Women of Worth's successful first workshop

Women of Worth's first Come to your Senses Workshop was presented on Women's Day last week, and turned out to be a huge success. 

It was held at Durbanville Golf Club, where a group of like-minded ladies had the opportunity to indulge in all their senses and enjoy a day of laughter and enlightenment. My Come to your Senses workshop is aimed at providing a platform for women who wish to heal emotionally by getting out of the heads and into their lives. We do this by being present, by living abundantly in the moment and embracing our senses. 

I have since received requests to tailor-make this workshop to suit young ladies (Matriculants and students), as well as the corporate industry - focusing on boundary setting, harassment, and wellness for women.

The next workshop will take place in September. Watch this space!

Knowing when to call it quits

So much research goes into what the red flags are in relationships, and how to get over a breakup, but the truth is, everyone handles it differently. I honestly believe that if you honour yourself, you will find the strength to leave behind a dysfunctional or one-sided relationship with love and respect. This is simply written from personal experience, many years of soul searching, and finally embracing my self-worth.

When a man is commitment phobic, never wants to get married or live with a woman, after a significant amount of time, should a woman just understand that some men are simply afraid of losing their autonomy and make peace with it? Should she feel offended and hurt? Or should she see this as an act of selfishness and just move on?  Is wanting to have a soulful and emotional connection and commitment after this amount of time too soon? When intimacy and commitment is one-sided and selfish, and a woman is left feeling completely emotionally and physically unfulfilled, knowing that this man is and always wants to remain uncommitted, what should she read into this? Do some women want too much too soon? What is too soon? Is it not normal, for a relationship to naturally progress to a deeper, more meaningful level after nearly a year? Is it not normal for a woman to want to feel desired and wanted? Is it possible to maintain a friendship with a man like this, after ending a romantic relationship?

Here are some red flags to look out for:

·         They lack respect by disregarding your needs

·         They have a different value system

·         They display narcissistic tendencies

·         They’re abusive

·         They give you a reason to mistrust them

·         They keep you a secret

·         They can’t live without you

·         They are commitment phobic

·         Your geographical distance emphasizes your emotional distance

·         Your lifestyles are too different

Follow more red flags on this link: http://www.self.com/wellness/relationships/2015/12/relationship-red-flags-never-ignore/

Consider this: Relationships need mutual growth and soulful expression. Don’t wait until you find someone. You ARE someone. To wait for someone else, or to expect someone else to make my life richer, or fuller, or more satisfying, puts me in a constant state of suspension. Relationships are spiritual opportunities. Not a needs change!

We’ve all been conditioned to use relationships for the wrong reasons: to end loneliness, relieve depression, recover from a previous breakup, or find security. In reality, relationships are a spiritual opportunity for personal evolution. There is no greater arena for discovering your capacity for love, forgiveness, compassion, personal greatness, and full self-expression. Nowhere else will you meet the grandest or smallest parts of yourself. Nowhere else will you confront your self-imposed limits to intimacy. Nowhere else can you forgive so deeply or love so purely. The purpose of relationships are to serve the mutual growth and soulful expression of each individual. It’s a chance to share your enthusiasm for being alive and give of yourself to another unconditionally, with no expectations.

When we engage in a healthy relationship to see what we can put into it, rather than what we can get out of it, our whole lives transform. We no longer see our partners as antagonists. We see them as teachers and allies who are here to help us discover and experience our glory.

It is important to note that understanding “everything is as it should be” does not mean you roll over and play dead, stay in an unfulfilling unloving relationship, or become complacent. Acknowledging reality empowers you. It puts you in the driver’s seat of your life and turns the ignition. The practice of acknowledging reality is called making is-ness your business. Getting more interested in reality, or what is, rather than complaining or wishing things would be different. Don’t wish. DO. Take charge!

When a relationship is no longer serving you or your needs; when you feel that you are not a priority in someone’s life, or that you are a last resort; when you feel that you are making all the sacrifices and compromises, it’s really ok to call it quits.

It’s ok to simply profess in a compassionate, respectful and forgiving manner that your needs are too different, and that you honour yourself too much to continue, and move on, even if it’s painful. By denying yourself this right, and putting yourself through this misery, out of fear of disappointing your partner, you are saying it’s OK to be treated this way. You are saying it’s ok to be disappointing yourself. You are saying YES to them, but NO to yourself.

If you prolong this act of closing the door, you are delaying the inevitable, which will only lead to anger and resentment down the road. And when the party does finally come to an end, you’ll only be putting yourself in a position to either fall victim to an unhealthy rebound relationship, or you’ll resort to filling the emptiness with addictions, escapism or using people or situations as a crutch.

Examples of this include:

·         Excessive smoking and drinking

·         Taking Drugs

·         Promiscuity

·         Gambling

·         Hoarding and over spending

·         Over-eating

·         Using other people as a crutch to fill your emptiness

·         Watching too much TV

·         Over-working

·         Jumping straight into another relationship

·         Escaping into online dating or too much Facebook

·         Playing the blame game

·         Sleeping too much

·         Becoming reclusive

That’s being wasteful and complacent, not mindful and productive. You will become mentally and emotionally tormented and consumed and you’ll become lost in your thoughts, preventing yourself from being fully present and whole. You will miss what’s happening in your environment and you won’t take responsibility for your own happiness.

Tips for getting over a breakup in a healthy manner:

• Break the contact
• It probably seems impossible, but it's the only real fix. Brain scans, blood tests, and other research all show that when you see or talk to someone you love, your body reacts in a way that fuels your desire for them. You've craving that person. So after you tie up the loose ends, a 30- to 90-day break from all contact with your ex is recommended.
• Have a pity party
• It’s normal and healthy to grieve. Put your hair in a ponytail, slip on your tracksuit, play Adele’s slit your wrist songs on repeat, eat a ton of chocolate (or some people eat less, whatever your preference is), or watch a really soppy movie. Call your best friend, your mom, your sister, whoever will listen to your story, but don’t turn to social media to vent. Do whatever it takes to grieve and give yourself a time limit.
• Get support
• Join a support group, and spend time with your friends and loved ones, and socialize more. But know their limitations. You may decide that professional help from therapists may be more appropriate or helpful, and may provide a more neutral and long-lasting perspective. They can also point out deeper patterns of behavior or thinking that a broken relationship may be symptomatic of, so that future relationships are healthier and happier.
• Feed your mind with books and information on the internet
• Something about quiet words on the page describing what you are going through can be calming in a way little else is. It also helps reboot the logic centers of your brain that your emotional state may have shut off or flooded.
• Start journaling or write a letter to your ex without sending it.
• Putting your thoughts to paper or write a letter. A lot of people still want to say something to their ex, share their feelings with their ex or tell them what a horrible person they are. Please, don’t keep these feelings in, because it will make you feel worse over time. Write a letter to your ex in which you say everything you have to: about the sex, about their habits, behaviour, friends and family. And when you are done, throw away the letter or burn it. This very act can be quite therapeutic and cathartic
• Avoid contact
• Don’t contact your partner or send it to your partner, because you will only provide a window for your partner to get in touch with you again…. and this will only slow down the process…
• Take care of yourself
• Get enough sleep, eat properly, and get some exercise. Have a make-over and make sure you always look and feel good.
• Distraction
• Spend time in nature, pamper yourself, take up a hobby, listen to happy music and watch happy movies.

I read this recently: When you are consumed with the conversation in your mind of what’s wrong in your life, (when you are complaining internally) you are lost in thought. Romantically and energetically speaking, when you are lost in your thoughts, you are a closed system that’s emitting “I’m not available” vibes. You reduce the probability of meeting someone in a healthy way because spiritually, you’re not open for business. That a major man repellent!

The easiest way to feeling alive and complete, is by staying out of your head and in your life. By taking responsibility for your own happiness and taking charge of your life. By spending time alone in quiet contemplation. By intentionally being full engaged with your life. By having a relationship with yourself and falling in love with your life. By always speaking your truth, being true to yourself and asserting your boundaries; by honouring yourself as the powerful woman you are.

Once you have reached that pinnacle, you will find yourself in a position to attract someone into your life, who won’t be filling a need or your loneliness. You will be ignoring all the souls who are only interested in you feeding their loneliness, filling a space in their lives and on their terms. You will be attracting someone whole and happy, to compliment your already existing amazing life!

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Women of Worth gets media coverage

Women of Worth appears in the Northern Times today - Page 7. I am SO excited and proud to be receiving the publicity this cause really deserves. The aim is to inspire, empower and uplift women and the community. To give women the much needed tools to get through their trauma and cope in a crisis. I am already receiving such amazing support from the community to get involved.

#womenofworth #womenofworthdurbanville

The ultimate crossroads to the unknown

If you BELIEVE then you will automatically know that as a human, you have limited vision. You see things and imagine things from your perspective as a being in earthly form. This is all you know. Right? 

So, if you find yourself at a crossroads or a dead end, and you pray, and you meditate, and you contemplate, and you ask God / the universe / your angels for help, direction and guidance, and you finally surrender to your decision with unconditional compassion and forgiveness, you HAVE to accept that what you receive may not be how you imagined it to be. It’s beyond your control now. 

You can do nothing more than receive. If you are acting with integrity and honour, and you are speaking your truth and coming from a place of pure love, you HAVE to TRUST that there may be a storm, but you WILL get through it. 

Surrender does however, not mean complacency. Surrender means trusting that you will be protected along your journey. Only YOU can row your boat, so you have to put in the energy into what it is you are pursuing (the circumstances you want to leave behind, the path you wish to follow or the purpose you wish to fulfil). 

Women’s Day Come to your Senses Workshop

(W.O.W) Women of Worth Durbanville presents a

Come to your Senses Workshop How to put the spark back by getting out of your head and into your life

WOMEN’S DAY - Tuesday, 9 August, 10am – 1pm Durbanville Golf Club, Sport Way, Durbanville

Come and enjoy this half-day escape, indulge in some food and wine, soak up the gorgeous view, and treat yourself to a complete sensory experience.  Whether you’ve experienced a failed relationship, a transition, a trauma, or a loss, by focusing on various sensory healing modalities, we will show you how to embrace your self-worth, and take charge of your life. Topics covered: ·         A word on relationships and getting on with your life ·         The art of sensuality ·         How food affects your mood and sensuality ·         Sensational recipes to seduce your pallet ·         Sensual Aromatherapy with bath / massage recipes and massage demo ·         Rhythmic dance and soulful music ·         Movies to celebrate life and awaken your spirit ·         Natural health, beauty and supplementation ·         Colour, art, sensory décor and table setting ·         Healing through creativity, journaling and quiet reflection ·         Personal image, grooming and wardrobe planning

R150 per person Includes welcome refreshments, delicious savouries, workshop notes, tasters to tease your pallet, and lucky draw prizes. Cash bar available. Dress Code: Smart casual. Wear something deep red or purple Bring: A note pad and pen (notes will be emailed to you afterwards)

To book, please contact Janine Tassi on janinetassi@gmail.com or call 082 925 8438 / 021-976 2015 RSVP: By 5 August 2016

Image sourced from Pinterest

The dangers of drug addiction

In our pill-popping culture, literally thousands of substances are used extensively on a daily basis. We consume billions of pills yearly and spend billions of rands on them, and these figures do not even include the everyday use of caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine.

Drug and substance abuse are an individual, family, and worldwide problem that can affect young and old, men and women, and people from all cultures.

Of the thousands of prescription and over-the-counter (OTC) drugs currently available, they can be toxic, especially when over-used or when they are used for long periods of time. OTC products are more easily abused than pharmaceuticals because they can be readily obtained, and are usually less toxic.

Many of these drugs have the ability to create physical dependency, especially when there is a chronic problem or when there are withdrawal or rebound symptoms. Using sleeping pills, tranquillisers, and antidepressants is another way to deal with life’s challenges. 

Aspirin has been in common use for many decades, though its use is decreasing because of its association with stomach irritation, allergies, its effect on blood clotting, and the availability of other anti-inflammatory drugs, such as ibuprofen. Even stronger prescription narcotics, such as codeine, hydrocodone (Percodan), propoxyphene or even Demerol or morphine may be prescribed and all of these narcotic drugs are extremely addictive, and thus difficult to stop using.

Another concern is that caffeine addiction often occurs along with nicotine addiction and excessive sugar intake. Physiologically, caffeine is a central nervous system (CNS) stimulant. For many users, it specifically improves muscular-coordinated work activity, such as typing, and generally speeds things up, increasing the basal metabolic rate (BMR), which can help you burn more kilojoules. Caffeine is also a diuretic and a mild laxative, an effect that many coffee drinkers appreciate. The amount needed to produce the wake-up and stimulation effect increases with regular use, as is typical of addictive drugs. Eventually, we need the drug to function and without it, fatigue and drowsiness occur. Caffeine is thus a natural stimulant, with both physical and psychological addiction potential and with withdrawal symptoms similar to the symptoms of its abuse.

Street or “recreational” narcotics are also a large problem. Instant gratification, a trip, a little peace or a feeling of power, are all things that are promised when people are offered drugs of one kind or another.

Remember, however, what they don’t tell you:

• The more you like it, the more you are going to want and then need it
• The more you need it, the more you will do unthinkable things to get it
• When adding chemicals to your brain, your body overreacts and later crashes, leaving you feeling depressed and even suicidal
• You cannot control your response to drugs
• You can never know exactly what is in a drug
• The effects are short-term and when the drug wears off, reality is still there with all the problems you tried to escape
• Drugs take over and make you lose control, which makes you vulnerable (to your own loss of ability, such as driving; and to sexual or physical assault)
• Uppers could make you need downers and the combination could result in death

Physical signs

• Unexplained skin rashes, injection marks, bruising, scabs andsores on arms
• Yellow stains on hands
• Weight loss, excessive perspiration
• Pale face, circles under eyes or red eyes, frequent use of eye drops
• Persistent cough, frequent colds, constant sniffing
• Changes in sleeping or eating patterns
• Dizziness, trembling of hands
• Deterioration of personal hygiene, or an odour of alcohol
• Indistinct speech, delayed reflex action and lack of co-ordination
• Regular nose bleeds

Behavioural signs

• New friends, lying or secretiveness, mysterious phone calls
• Getting fired from jobs, problems attending work or school, a drop in performance
• Increased need and use of money
• Theft or missing valuables, alcohol or medication
• Verbal or physical abuse of family
• Spending more time alone
• Quitting hobbies or activities, lack of motivation
• Mood swings (hostile behaviour, depression, outbursts)

Items to look out for

• Mouthwash, breath sprays or eye drops
• Thinners, Tippex or other solvents
• Alcohol or drugs in their possession, including seeds from dagga plants
• Bank bags, rolling papers (Rizla), broken glass bottle tops, pipes, tinfoil, mirrors, razor blades, small screens or burnt spoons
• Burns or stains on hands and clothing 

If you suspect that your child or your partner is using drugs, call FAMSA or SANCA for help.

The discontent of the disturbed mind

Everyone experiences mood changes at some or other point in their lives – feeling ‘high’ at times and ‘low’ at others. It is when those who suffer from manic states and excessive mood swings, that caution needs to be exercised.

Depression is one of the most common psychiatric disorders, which can vary from a mild, self-limiting period to a full-blown attack of life-threatening depression.

According to psychiatrists, there are two kinds of depression: exogenous, becoming depressed as a result of outside factors such as the death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, moving homes, or financial concerns, or; and endogenous, a medical form of depression resulting from internal biochemical sources.  Sometimes spells of euphoria and hyperactivity alternate with periods of deep depression.

With such a complex and serious illness it is hard to separate normal and therapeutic feelings of sadness and grief from clinical depression.  In some cases, symptoms of straightforward anxiety may mask a state of depression.  Depression is more common among women than men, and tends to affect people of all ages, from young to old.

Symptoms include feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, isolation and despair, and the belief that no one understands or sympathises with you.  These symptoms may be accompanied by loss of interest in work or home life; inability to concentrate on anything, and, in severe cases, sluggish thought processes and delusions.

Physical symptoms may include loss of energy, a sense of ‘heaviness’, difficulty or slowness in movement, sluggish bowel movements, dryness in the mouth, indigestion and constipation.  In some cases sufferers may lose weight and women may have period problems.

Although most doctors are not opposed to alternative medicine, they feel that they should go hand-in-hand with conventional medical or psychological treatment.  Lifestyle changes should also be taken into consideration, such as taking regular exercise, following a balanced diet, expressing your feelings and thinking positively.

When things get a little manic

Although tolerable for short periods, relatives and friends eventually find manic behaviour exhausting. Symptoms of manic depression may include extravagance, hyperactivity, over-confidence, talkativeness, and the ability to remain extremely lively with little or no sleep.  Such patients may make grandiose plans and be interfering and difficult. When they are depressed, sufferers may be withdrawn and introverted, and lacking in confidence, even contemplating suicide.  Swings from mania to depression may be sudden or gradual, are usually unpredictable, and symptoms may often resemble those of schizophrenia.

 

Treatment options

Although depressive disorders are treatable, a larger issue is getting people into treatment in the first place. Whether or not they can be cured is highly variable and dependent on the severity of a patient's disorder and their ability to comply with the demands of treatment. Lack of access to medical care is a major issue. Someone who is depressed may not feel worthy of treatment, and despite the progress that has been made in understanding these disorders, there is significant stigma attached to being recognized as bipolar or depressed.

The treatment of depression and mania depends largely on diagnosis, and this usually requires the skills of a qualified psychiatrist and possibly a psychologist.  Treatment with anti-psychotic drugs may allow the patient to lead a reasonably normal life, although medical supervision and treatment may always be needed.

Without treatment, a manic patient’s behaviour may be so bizarre and antisocial that he finds himself in trouble with the law, or being detained involuntarily in a psychiatric hospital. 

Trained to listen carefully and offer support in cases of distress, grief and anxiety, psychotherapists treat many people with emotional and psychological problems.  Therapists work by listening to you and talking with you about your experiences and relationships to gain insight to your problems.  Gradually you get closer to the roots of emotional difficulties that may be deep-rooted. Psychotherapists use a variety of therapies, ranging from warm and supportive, to more detached and analytical. 

When choosing a therapist, it is important to establish which technique he or she offers.  Some of the most popular are behavioural therapy (which helps you ‘unlearn’ problem behaviour or habits), ground therapy (in which problems are shared with other patients), neurolinguistic programming (which works with the way personal experiences influence perceptions).

Depending on the type of therapy and the needs of the patient, psychotherapy may either be short-term or require a large number of sessions over months or even years.  After a course of therapy, you should be able to confront and overcome your difficulties.

Psychological abuse and domestic violence

Psychological abuse is damaging to the soul. It often leaves a vague feeling of pain, a sense of something wrong that is hard to identify. Since it is so difficult to define, the victims often doubt their own perceptions.

The psychological abuse of someone keeps the partner on an emotional roller coaster. They keep their partners off balance so he/she does not trust their own sense of reality.

Like other forms of violence in relationships, psychological abuse is based on power and control. Some examples are as follows:

• Isolation: The man will strongly discourage contact with friends and family. He will insist upon a move to an area far from these people, possibly rural or remote if they are city dwellers.
• Limiting involvement with others: He will deny the woman access to a car, not allowing her to go to school or work. If she is employed, he will harass her on the telephone or turn up at her workplace and cause trouble so that she loses her job.
• Control of finances: He will take her money, give her an allowance or make her ask for money. She will have to account for all her expenditures and will have no knowledge of the family finances.
• Putting her down: The man will call her names, ridicule her, imitate her, tell her she is 'stupid', yell at her, downplay her accomplishments, degrade her dignity and self-worth, make her feel useless and inferior.
• Playing mind games: He will deny the abuse ever happened, say 'she caused it', or make light of the abuse telling her 'she has no sense of humor'.
• Using the children: He will threaten to take the children away from her.
• Anger and jealousy: The man will get angry and jealous and accuse her of having affairs if she even speaks to another man.

Verbal and mental abuse attacks one’s spirit and sense of self. It is so controlling that some women who have left a verbally and sometimes physically abusive relationship twenty or more years ago still find themselves wondering, "Maybe there’s something I could have done...," or, "Maybe if I’d tried to explain just one more time my relationship would have gotten better." Very often the people who find themselves the target of controlling behaviours can’t comprehend that anyone would want to control them so they try to be nice. This doesn’t work. You can’t stop a rapist by being extra nice.  

Through the eyes of the abuser, even the victim's own opinions are seen as opposition. Thousands of battered people have said that the hurt of verbal abuse lasted longer than the bruises of physical abuse. Verbal abuse is an act of violence that creates such a deep emotional pain and mental anguish that it can be immobilising.

If you find yourself in a situation like that, or know of someone in a similar situation, there is help. If you cannot find the support you need through friends and family, there are various support groups and professional organisations, such as POWA, FAMSA and Lifeline, who can steer you on the right path.

You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. Take back your power! 

Emotional abuse is like murdering your soul

Any behaviour that is designed to control another person through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults is called emotional abuse. It is so controlling that some women who have left a verbally and sometimes physically abusive relationship twenty or more years ago still find themselves wondering, "Maybe there’s something I could have done...," or, "Maybe if I’d tried to explain just one more time my relationship would have gotten better."

Very much like brainwashing, emotional abuse systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, and trust in his/her perceptions, and self-concept. Emotional abuse can include verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Cutting deep into the core of a person, emotional abuse can create long-lasting scars. The insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she/he is completely incapable of judging the situation realistically. The person becomes so emotionally worn down that they blame themselves for the abuse, clinging to the abuser, due to their low self-esteem.

Victims of emotional abuse can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go, and they have so little faith in themselves, not trusting that they will be helped.  Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Types of emotional abuse include: 

• Domination: Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to receive it. When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
• Verbal assaults: Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self-confidence and self-worth.
• Abusive expectations: The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. But no matter how much you give, it's never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfil all this person's needs.
• Emotional blackmail: The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, the "cold shoulder," or use other fear tactics to control you.
• Unpredictable responses: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts (This is part of the definition of Borderline Personality Disorder). Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behaviour from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
• This behaviour is damaging because it always puts you on edge. You're always waiting for the other bomb to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. It’s like walking on egg shells, constantly remaining hyper-vigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
• An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance. 
• False sense of reality: The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. You know differently. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity. (If a borderline has been disassociating, they may indeed remember reality differently than you do.)
• Constant chaos: The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others. The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement. 

If you find yourself in a situation like that, or know of someone in a similar situation, there is help. If you cannot find the support you need through friends and family, there are various support groups and professional organisations, such as POWA, FAMSA and Lifeline, who can steer you on the right path.

You do NOT deserve to be treated this way. Take back your power!