So much
research goes into what the red flags are in relationships, and how to get over
a breakup, but the truth is, everyone handles it differently. I honestly
believe that if you honour yourself, you will find the strength to leave behind
a dysfunctional or one-sided relationship with love and respect. This is simply
written from personal experience, many years of soul searching, and finally embracing
my self-worth.
When a man is
commitment phobic, never wants to get married or live with a woman, after a
significant amount of time, should a woman just understand that some men are simply
afraid of losing their autonomy and make peace with it? Should she feel
offended and hurt? Or should she see this as an act of selfishness and just
move on? Is wanting to have a soulful
and emotional connection and commitment after this amount of time too soon? When
intimacy and commitment is one-sided and selfish, and a woman is left feeling
completely emotionally and physically unfulfilled, knowing that this man is and
always wants to remain uncommitted, what should she read into this? Do some
women want too much too soon? What is too soon? Is it not normal, for a
relationship to naturally progress to a deeper, more meaningful level after
nearly a year? Is it not normal for a woman to want to feel desired and wanted?
Is it possible to maintain a friendship with a man like this, after ending a
romantic relationship?
Here are some red flags to look out
for:
·
They
lack respect by disregarding your needs
·
They
have a different value system
·
They
display narcissistic tendencies
·
They’re
abusive
·
They
give you a reason to mistrust them
·
They
keep you a secret
·
They
can’t live without you
·
They
are commitment phobic
·
Your
geographical distance emphasizes your emotional distance
·
Your
lifestyles are too different
Consider
this: Relationships need mutual growth and soulful expression. Don’t wait until
you find someone. You ARE someone. To wait for someone else, or to expect
someone else to make my life richer, or fuller, or more satisfying, puts me in
a constant state of suspension. Relationships are spiritual opportunities. Not
a needs change!
We’ve all been conditioned to use
relationships for the wrong reasons: to end loneliness, relieve depression,
recover from a previous breakup, or find security. In reality, relationships
are a spiritual opportunity for personal evolution. There is no greater arena
for discovering your capacity for love, forgiveness, compassion, personal
greatness, and full self-expression. Nowhere else will you meet the grandest or
smallest parts of yourself. Nowhere else will you confront your self-imposed
limits to intimacy. Nowhere else can you forgive so deeply or love so purely.
The purpose of relationships are to serve the mutual growth and soulful
expression of each individual. It’s a chance to share your enthusiasm for being
alive and give of yourself to another unconditionally, with no expectations.
When we engage in a healthy
relationship to see what we can put into it, rather than what we can get out of
it, our whole lives transform. We no longer see our partners as antagonists. We
see them as teachers and allies who are here to help us discover and experience
our glory.
It is important to note that
understanding “everything is as it should be” does not mean you roll over and
play dead, stay in an unfulfilling unloving relationship, or become complacent.
Acknowledging reality empowers you. It puts you in the driver’s seat of your
life and turns the ignition. The practice of acknowledging reality is called
making is-ness your business. Getting more interested in reality, or what is,
rather than complaining or wishing things would be different. Don’t wish. DO. Take
charge!
When a relationship is no longer
serving you or your needs; when you feel that you are not a priority in someone’s
life, or that you are a last resort; when you feel that you are making all the sacrifices
and compromises, it’s really ok to call it quits.
It’s ok to simply profess in a compassionate,
respectful and forgiving manner that your needs are too different, and that you
honour yourself too much to continue, and move on, even if it’s painful. By
denying yourself this right, and putting yourself through this misery, out of
fear of disappointing your partner, you are saying it’s OK to be treated this
way. You are saying it’s ok to be disappointing yourself. You are saying YES to
them, but NO to yourself.
If you prolong this act of closing the
door, you are delaying the inevitable, which will only lead to anger and
resentment down the road. And when the party does finally come to an end, you’ll
only be putting yourself in a position to either fall victim to an unhealthy
rebound relationship, or you’ll resort to filling the emptiness with addictions,
escapism or using people or situations as a crutch.
Examples of this include:
·
Excessive smoking
and drinking
·
Taking Drugs
·
Promiscuity
·
Gambling
·
Hoarding and over
spending
·
Over-eating
·
Using other
people as a crutch to fill your emptiness
·
Watching too much
TV
·
Over-working
·
Jumping straight
into another relationship
·
Escaping into
online dating or too much Facebook
·
Playing the blame
game
·
Sleeping too much
·
Becoming
reclusive
That’s being wasteful and complacent,
not mindful and productive. You will become mentally and emotionally tormented and
consumed and you’ll become lost in your thoughts, preventing yourself from
being fully present and whole. You will miss what’s happening in your
environment and you won’t take responsibility for your own happiness.
Tips for getting over a breakup in a healthy manner:
- Break the contact
- It probably seems impossible, but it's the only real fix. Brain scans, blood tests, and other research all show that when you see or talk to someone you love, your body reacts in a way that fuels your desire for them. You've craving that person. So after you tie up the loose ends, a 30- to 90-day break from all contact with your ex is recommended.
- Have a pity party
- It’s normal and healthy to grieve. Put your hair in a ponytail, slip on your tracksuit, play Adele’s slit your wrist songs on repeat, eat a ton of chocolate (or some people eat less, whatever your preference is), or watch a really soppy movie. Call your best friend, your mom, your sister, whoever will listen to your story, but don’t turn to social media to vent. Do whatever it takes to grieve and give yourself a time limit.
- Get support
- Join a support group, and spend time with your friends and loved ones, and socialize more. But know their limitations. You may decide that professional help from therapists may be more appropriate or helpful, and may provide a more neutral and long-lasting perspective. They can also point out deeper patterns of behavior or thinking that a broken relationship may be symptomatic of, so that future relationships are healthier and happier.
- Feed your mind with books and information on the internet
- Something about quiet words on the page describing what you are going through can be calming in a way little else is. It also helps reboot the logic centers of your brain that your emotional state may have shut off or flooded.
- Start journaling or write a letter to your ex without sending it.
- Putting your thoughts to paper or write a letter. A lot of people still want to say something to their ex, share their feelings with their ex or tell them what a horrible person they are. Please, don’t keep these feelings in, because it will make you feel worse over time. Write a letter to your ex in which you say everything you have to: about the sex, about their habits, behaviour, friends and family. And when you are done, throw away the letter or burn it. This very act can be quite therapeutic and cathartic
- Avoid contact
- Don’t contact your partner or send it to your partner, because you will only provide a window for your partner to get in touch with you again…. and this will only slow down the process…
- Take care of yourself
- Get enough sleep, eat properly, and get some exercise. Have a make-over and make sure you always look and feel good.
- Distraction
- Spend time in nature, pamper yourself, take up a hobby, listen to happy music and watch happy movies.
I read this recently: When you are
consumed with the conversation in your mind of what’s wrong in your life, (when
you are complaining internally) you are lost in thought. Romantically and
energetically speaking, when you are lost in your thoughts, you are a closed
system that’s emitting “I’m not available” vibes. You reduce the probability of
meeting someone in a healthy way because spiritually, you’re not open for
business. That a major man repellent!
The easiest way to feeling alive and complete,
is by staying out of your head and in your life. By taking responsibility for
your own happiness and taking charge of your life. By spending time alone in
quiet contemplation. By intentionally being full engaged with your life. By
having a relationship with yourself and falling in love with your life. By always
speaking your truth, being true to yourself and asserting your boundaries; by honouring
yourself as the powerful woman you are.
Once you have reached that pinnacle,
you will find yourself in a position to attract someone into your life, who won’t
be filling a need or your loneliness. You will be ignoring all the souls who
are only interested in you feeding their loneliness, filling a space in their
lives and on their terms. You will be attracting someone whole and happy, to
compliment your already existing amazing life!
.
